Stop acting as if life is a rehearsal. Live this day as if it were your last.

Wed, 18 Feb 2009 15:47:02 GMT

2008 was just not the year for me. it was full off ups downs and roundabouts. i keep going in circles and the same problems keep arising but they will never deflate and go away. maybe it's just the person i am but i always remember all of the bad things that happen and never look back at the times of love and laughter i have had. but maybe, just maybe all of the problems and the rage that i have hidden throughout the year just cancels the love, as if those feelings weren't real or strong enough to focus on. i don't know but i know one things is for sure all of the rage and loneliness i have felt, i want it to gently float away. i mean throughout life i will have these emotions and problems again and again, it's called life. nobody can be happy all of the time, they are liars to themselves. i am pouring my heart onto these pages so i know what i have felt is real and so hopefully i can move on and look back and see how strong i have become.

i am a believer of karma and i don't really believe in therapy. everything happens for a reason and if you do something bad then it will eventually come back and bite you on the bum! but why then, if this is what i believe in, have i had such bad couple of years and 2008 being my worst. i don't think i have done anything bad or horrible if i have, i was just a kid and didn't know right from wrong why should i be punished for that. i have done things that make me ashamed and i do sometimes wonder how my family and my mum has even coped. i have lied to the faces of loved one, said nasty things to hurt other people, bitched behind other peoples backs, self harmed and starved myself coz i truely believed this would make everything okay and it would make me gain control. i was so hungry, scared, lonely and was stuck in a vicious circle and couldn't find a way out.

it all became alot worse in september, you see i know it was getting worse coz i have experienced these feelings a few years back and even a few months back. in the summer holidays from college, i decided to clear my head, get things straight and try to move on. as to me this was a good time it was a 2 month break from everything and just before i started a new year at college. you see i had turned into something i detested. i was a big fat fake! the amount of make up i was wearing, the hair extensions, the clothes in which i wore, it just wasnt me. i thought if i wore this fake costume then nobody would get to know the real me and therefore i wouldn't get hurt, but instead i hurt myself. Jesskah-Mystique, my alter ego name i suppose. i was her. sureee i still use that name from time to time but now i know the difference between Jesskah - Leanne and Jesskah - Mystique. they are 2 totally different people. anyway thats what i did during the holidays, i toned the make up down, took the extensions out and wore clothes i felt comfortable in and not clothes in which i wore to fit in the 'clique'. even my friend joked about how i found enlightenment! ha! i even thought so. however i never went out during that time and my mum grew worried. but she didnt know how much i hated myself and that i was scared incase i went out and resort to Jesskah - Mystique again.

i september i went back to college with a spring in my step, liking how i looked and the mind set to achieve the best i can. gosh, how wrong could i have been. in the first 2 week this was broken. no i didnt chane my clothes and no i didnt wear more make up or hair extensions but instead i became the bitchest person i had been and said some pretty awful things behind peoples backs. i was looking at other people and then seeing how fabulous they were. BANG! i hated my self again. everything was flowing so perfectly out of control, the work at college, home life, lack of confidence and so i resorted back to my old ways,self harming, starving myself. i thought this would help me gain control of my life but things got worse and the funniest thing is, i knew it was wrong, i knew the emotions were wrong, i knew that i was in trouble but there was absolutely nothing i could so about it. i was fragile and the slightest knock would make me self harm but then i hated myself for doing this so i stopped eating. but when i ate again i felt like a failure so i self harmed again. imagine all of this going throught my mind while i have pressure coming in on me from every angle, i couldn't cope anymore! i decided to tell my mum, if i'm honest it didnt help. she though that i was stupid and probably just wanted attention too. i like to think that she just didnt know how to cope and that she did actually care. i know what your thinking, why didnt you get help else where, therapy, friends other relatives? the answer is, i was ashamed of myself how could i tell anyone. and doctors? well, i dont believe in it and the small fact that i am terrified of them.

i have two quotes that have helped me in a round about way. "we were chosen to live this life because we are strong enough to do so" and "we all have one thing in common and that is we are all different". i know that it is okay to be different and at times to feel weak and sometimes vulnerable. i'm growing up and looking at things from a different perspective and noticing how all of out decisions effect our life in way or another. thats why i have made a desicion for next year and the rest of my life, to move on from the past and never dwell on it because it can make you feel more down but instead just enjoy life and grab every opportunity you can get because they can't grab you.

the highs from 2008? becoming stronger and knowing who my real friends are and meeting new ones Alannah, Laura, Cassie, Scott, John, Rhi, Chelsey and Shaun. i seriously couldn't have got through it without them. hey have always been there for me and put a smile on my face. who knows, maybe with knowing all of this i could even become more mature in 2009 . . . . pffft yeahh right. ha!

Jesskah_Leanne

Stop acting as if life is a rehearsal. Live this day as if it were your last.